“You can’t put up a pinata in a funeral home. Especially one that hovers over the casket, open or shut.”

“Why not?”

“Because it wouldn’t be seemly according to our rituals, rites, and protocols, Madame.”


“Well, this is your beloved husband we are celebrating, isn’t it?

“Yes, and he desired to be cremated, with ashes scattered in the Pacific Ocean, so the contents of a pinata won’t matter one whit.”

“I hope you aren’t placing his ashes in the piñata, Madame. Again, not proper protocol. The California Coastal Commission disallows de-fouling our coastline.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Funeral Director, I’ve hired a sailboat, one of the unmet wishes he had in life. My dearly departed will be thrilled!”

“But a pinata, Mrs., er Ms. Frankenstein?”

“Well, my husband enjoyed a May birthday and a pinata celebrates Cinco de Mayo, May 5. My husband was all about fun and pinatas are fun. The kids who attend the service will be enthralled when the Halloween treats cascade to the ground. When children don’t make noise, it’s a good thing. Am I right?”

“I see, Ma’am. Shall I add the purchase of a pinata to the copper and black casket price?”

“Actually, I’ve prepared one myself, in the shape of a vampire. I filled the coffin with Utz premium cheese puffs and pretzel packets. My husband would highly approve. I can already envision him smiling from heaven as the packets are scooped up by those he loved.”

“Heaven, Madame?”

“That’s right, Mr. Funeral Director. Heaven. Are you being judgmental? I’m proud of my husband. It was a privilege to be the Bride of Frankenstein and I feel I owe him a proper send-off. Are you on board or shall I take our business elsewhere?”

“I’ll prepare everything as you wish, Madame. All will be prepared as you wish. On All Hallow’s Eve, we’ll host your husband’s Celebration of Life ceremony here.

May I have your Mastercard number, please?”